Thick as Thieves

The Boss's Log

5-22-12 (from the perspective of the dangerous ghost duo)

Dear ghost diary,

I have been working very closely with my new ghost friend, soon these adventures will join us in the afterlife! Then we can, you know, kill them some more. Or make fun of their mothers, whichever comes first I guess. Haven’t really thought that far ahead, but they WILL be dead! That much is for sure. BWA HA HA HA!

5-20-12 (from the perspective os Grog’s ghost)

Dear ghost diary,

Today I followed the fools into a cursed cave. Back in my living days, I had heard of this place, but I never had the chance to lay eyes on it. It is a place where all metal is heavy as shit! To my pleasure the blue eyed fool jumped right in! I could almost hear the bones in his ass shatter as he hit the ground. I laughed out loud, not as if the fools could hear me. The half-orc they call Augh, knowing the curse of the cave, jumped off a thirty foot cliff right into the cave anyway. He/she crushed a bat when he/she landed, he/she is either very brave or very stupid. Probably very stupid.

Also I met a friend today! Some sort of angry drow ghost that speaks with a strange accent. He knows many things, and has been teaching more about interacting with the mortal world. Soon I should be able to haunt more menacingly! (Also, I don’t know what that word means)

4-29-12 (from the perspective of Grog’s ghost)

Dear ghost diary,

I never imagined haunting could be so much fun! These small pale bags of flesh are more cunning than I had realized. They managed to con some stupid rich drow out of a whole room of valuables after actually selling them a crate of peasant rags. Some filthy half-breed joined them as well, if I still had a nose her stench would make me sick. What orc in their right mind would ever bed with a weak lesser race? Perversion. On a different note, I have been practicing interacting with the physical world. I think I am getting the hang of moving objects, sort of like a poltergeist. I will wait for the right moment to cause these flesh bags some trouble. Bwa ha ha!

4-15-12 Part I (from the perspective of The Boss)

Dear Diary,

Today I sent Havarkhad and Buckham on an assassination! Normally I would not accept jobs like this, but let’s just say that there are certain pictures of a certain crime boss with a certain noble young woman in a certain underground skanky sex dungeon that I need to get back from our client. Buckham should be able to con his way in. If he can’t, the Havarkhad can just flip out and kill everyone in sight. Hopefully the target will be one of those people…. At any rate, they should be able to steal a fair amount of treasure if they pull this off. I also got a gift for Buckham, it seems he is rather upset that every time he has an assignment he manages to submerge himself in nasty water and ruin his clothes. I might have a set of magical clothes that are self-cleaning, assuming he can log on and read my diary of course.

4-15-12 Part II (from the perspective of Grog the slaver)

Dear ghost diary,

Well being dead isn’t so bad, I get a ghost diary! I totally got slaughtered by a couple of drow, right after their weird bug pet killed my crew. Stupid drow, that’s the last time I capture one and try to sell it as a slave. Well, I guess that’s the last time I do anything really (since I am dead now!) I think I am going to haunt these fuckers for a while, they seem to be on their way to the drow city….

3-31-12 Part I (from the perspective of slim snakey)
Thissss is ssssuch and exccccelent idea for a trap! The sky people love thesssse small sssshiny disssskssss! When they come for them, they will fall into our pit and my children sssshall dine on their flessssh! It’ssss a sssshame my children can not yet sssstand up, for there can only be one real sssslim ssssnakey! Oh here they come! I musssst hide….

3-31-12 Part II (from the perspective of Jeff)

Dear Diary,

These mortals continue to provide me with some entertainment. Upon reaching the city of Myrithyra my loyal follower Pipin converted a household to my worship. This pleases me, all you have to do is give the silly mortals beer and they are good to go. If he keeps up his service I may return his brother to him. Then again maybe not, I am a dick like that, HA HA HA HA HA! Oh man, good times. Also that silly little gnome Adoy fell a great distance and is now at deaths doorstep. I have a feeling he will be in a coma. I hope he dies, I could use a stealer of pants in my service, to many people die with pants on. But I digress, I have a golden demi-god orgy of eternity to attend, so I should go.

5-21-11 (from the perspective of the Boss)

Dear Diary,

Sweet sweet sack of gold, we got paid! Although not nearly as much as I had dreamed, I have a deep satisfaction down inside making rich people pay for what is already theirs. ESPECIALLY when we keep BOTH the money and the goods. Keeping the princess around will be a liability, she seems pretty useless but you would be surprised when an education comes in handy. She has the spirit, but it is yet to be seen if she can become a decent adventurer.

Most of my crew survived, and once we get out of the pit it will be no-time before we have a new ship and can do jobs again. I haven’t told the gang yet, but I have already have a plan for our next job, I am going to look into it once we get back to civilization. The crew has been performing well, although I am disappointed Jezebel took off. I don’t blame her though, she has been searching for clues about her family her entire life, perhaps someday we will meet up again. It is strange coincidence that Ea showed up, presumably looking for Jezebel, so soon after she left. That girl has poor timing.

5-14-11 (from the perspective of Jeff)

Dear Diary,

Today I had a very amusing time watching the mortals below! I have been watching my loyal follower Pipin for some time, although I find his brother Samwise quite infuriating. I nearly killed his brain in a fit of rage several days ago when he would not stop making an annoying duck sound! Consequently I erased that sound from his mind.

At any rate, the sheep found a very purple orb that released a very pleasant purple feeling/taste/sound/taste. Reacting to the drity-elf’s necklace, she and Samwise were transported to the underdark, Jezebels long lost home and also the home of Nostradamus’s secret forbidden lover. Samwise was stupid enough to eat several toxic mushrooms. It is a pity he did not die but I enjoyed watching the gnome shove moss up his ass.

After loafing around for a bit with some spiders and ooze they were transported back to the mortal realm with a young dragon. The battle was so exciting that I couldn’t help myself and I gave my followers a little divine intervention! Perhaps next time I will turn Samwise into a bullwug…..

5-1-11 (from the perspective of the boss)

What a mess! My airship is destroyed and the princess is infected with spores from the forest! All is not lost though: Tiffany, Havarkhad and Jezebel brought back some queen venom and we made an antidote potion for the princess. It should work over time, or at least I hope it does. Otherwise we will be on Octavia’s shit-list forever! I sent the rest of the team to find us a cave or a cliff or something that we can use as a fortified base to protect the princess and demand ransom, the ruined hull of our airship won’t be able to protect us from anything. Hopefully they are having luck, we will be moving out soon regardless, we can’t stay here for long.

4-23-11 (from the perspective of george the plant-ant)

Dear Diary,

Today was another fun filled day in the forest! I led the beautiful lady and her friends to the hive. Then all of my friends came out to play with us! The creepy one with the shiny blue eyes and I led them on a long run through the forest! I think he was having a lot of fun, because he kept yelling “OH CRAP! OH CRAP! SHIT SHIT SHIT!” I’m not really sure what that means, I don’t speak people.

THEN we found a big tower in the middle of a swampy river! That was pretty cool, so they all went inside. I didn’t though, I don’t like to swim, fuck that I say.

4-16-11 (from the perspective of george the plant-ant)

Dear diary,

Today was the best day of my life! I was out gathering food for the queen, when a giant flaming tree fell from the sky! I ran up to it to see if I could kill something and drag it back to the hive as food. But then something happened, I saw the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my life! It had these fleshy bags attached to its chest, and they made me melt on the inside. I stabbed bob in the brain, because he was going to hurt it! I followed it back inside the big burning log after it wasn’t burning anymore. It put a studded collar around my neck and told me I was a good ant-monster. They wanted to go to the hive, so we are on our way there! We got on a log to go across the scary swamp, I was really scared! The bad water hurt them a lot, but I kept saying ‘Stroke! Stroke!’ and we made it across. I like food!

4-3-11 (from the perspective of the boss)

Today we kidnapped the princess of Octavia! The royal family will pay a hefty fee to get her back, if we can actually get her back that is. Our ship was shot down as we escaped, and we crashed in a creepy forest. Everything was going according to plan in the beginning: Samwise and Pipin, despite being total idiots, managed to get through the opening act without getting themselves killed or arrested…. but they came close. They got back from the castle OK, and apparently tricked the princess into coming with them, she wasn’t even tied up!

Jezebel did her thing in the sewer, she came back with some rat bites, but I’m sure it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle. That girl is a dirty one, I knew she was right for the job. I have another dirty job in mind for her, but I have other things to think about right now….

I must give credit to Kiva, Buckham, Tiffany and Havarkhad: they are better actors than I thought they would be. They even improvised for a while when the princess fell from the rafters.

I presume the whole lot of them did good work while we were making our escape, I was in the engine room making sure our escape was fast, those blockheads that work down in the engine room occasionally need some extra ‘motivation’ to get the job done. Well, I think I hear some evil mind controlling plant monsters smashing through the hull, so I should go….



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